Lost Without Losing

She looked into his eyes, not knowing exactly what to say and how to phrase it. “Salman! I love you just too much,” she managed a mumble. “I never thought that loving someone would be so difficult, especially in terms of loving the right person,” she added in sourly. The waved splashed hard against the nearby rocks and made her shout out. She did not dare stare at him, because she knew how weak her limbs got when their eyes met, how they were so much in love with one another. “Sahar! What the Hell is wrong with you, you called me all this way to say I love you. Look at the time sweetheart, it is 12:00 a.m. need to get back to work in the morning and wow you call me here to say I love you and stuff! Well I love you too!.” Sahar was silent. She knew she hadn’t called him to say I love you, or make romantic moves and assurances, it was more than just happiness that she wanted to honor him with that day.

She could not hold it back any longer, she let it all out. Her tears began rolling fast, and she could barely hold onto herself even within her grip. She collapsed on the wet ground and sat there silent on her knees. “Salman! I love you, but I have to leave you,” somehow an abrupt sentence spurred out of her trembling lips. Salman was surprised and confused, “what the hell are you saying! Could you be more specific, especially considering the time!” he scorned, not ever happy the way Sahar played with words and never came to the point as fast as his patience never lasted…

“Salman I am about to depart! I am about to dieeeeeeeeeeeeee!” she screamed, have you got a heart and stop scorning me for Heaven’s sake, I say I love you and that means shit, I try to compose my words accordingly, so that it doesn’t strike your heart like a blow, but No! …” he starred at her, not knowing how to react and in a low voice added, “what are you saying?” Words went dry in his throat. She sobbed harder, cuddling herself within her own embrace. Moving back and forth and sobbing harder and harder. “I am sick Salman! I am gonna die, I am gonna leave you to your privacy and your life. That is what you wanted jaan… isn’t it?” her tears still tingling. “Why are you gonna die and why didn’t you ever mention that you are sick?” he meant business, his voice suddenly regained his usual tone, he was possessive and now he would prove that. “Can’t tell you!” she managed. “Haven’t told a soul!” “Isn’t there a difference between any soul and me? Wow now you tell me.” Getting madder and madder by the moment.

“I said I loved you, and that doesn’t matter! You are sick you never confided it in me! Now you are dying, why the Hell did you honor me with that news? Shouldn’t you have kept it to yourself? Huh?” he pressurized his owing her, he always did. He always loved the feeling of owning her and that she owned him. They were in love, and were so to the extent of possessiveness. They had their spaces, but still… “Why in the world?” he added in abruptly standing up now, and looking down at her. But Sahar wasn’t looking at him, she was starring at the ground on which she was sitting now, and trying picture what it would be like beneath it, caressing it with her bare hands… “sheeesh! Isn’t it creepy?” She mocked, “just imagine you and your privacy, me and mine”, “are you insane Why the Hell are you doing this Sahar” he was now on his knees before her, trembling and all shaken. “What am I doing Sweety”, her voice had toned down, she knew that she was limited, she could just do nothing to stop what was about to happen. “Salman!” She placed her hand on his face, feeling the complete masculine outline.

Slowly raising his eyes, only to be greeted by her teary big dark ones, starring so intimately at him. He had adored the gaze, the way she just made him forget his woes. He admitted it to her time and again and all that she ever did was move away embarrassed. She had changed since they first met, she had changed for him, from the crazy, unpleasant and hideous outlook that Sahar once had, she had perfected everything with time and become the woman he idolized, he had dreamed of, and this made his love grow more and more. “Jaan! I wish … but all wishes do not come true remember! I need to go now, God is calling me, can’t keep Him waiting can I?” she still caressed his cheeks trying to ignore the tears that fell from his eyes. He kissed her hand every time they touched his lips and yearned for more, and all she did was smile at him and give him chances over chances of ecstasy. “Sahar! Please don’t go, I love you”, he fumbled with a sore throat. “I want you! I need you! You are like the most important priority in my life; I haven’t said that but now I admit it! I need you to be with me and you to take care of me.” “Salman I wish I could live to be your child’s mom, and I have always dreamed of that, but things are just not meant to be you see. It is not destined that I ever come into your life or your family’s. It is destined that I die in love and then be more loved.” She managed a fake smile. “Sahar we could… why don’t you come with me, I guess my bro would know the solution to your illness, whatever it is and that which you cant tell me about. You could tell him, and maybe he would know how to deal with him.” He sounded optimistic and wanted to convince her to be with him and be his for all times sake.

“Salman, I have already been through the optimistic stage, I am right now in the mood to just chill things out, spend more time with the ones I love and then depart quietly without much being done. I know your bro could be my savior but the fact remains that I don’t want to live any more. I don’t want the steam of uncertainty always surrounding me and making me cry endlessly. I just want to embrace death and wait for you in the next life where likely you wouldn’t have your qualms about me not being this and that…” she pulled her hand back and waited for him to hug her. She desperately needed his arms and his assurances. She rose up and tried walking away when he pulled at her hand. She turned to look at him, but he had his face downwards. He rose up and pulled her within his embrace and it so seemed that she melted her agonies and pains seemed to vanish when he embraced her.

It was a positive assurance and she loved every minute of it. She hugged him back but not as passionately and tightly as he did. “Sahar please don’t go! Please don’t leave me like this… please”, he begged her but he also knew that she couldn’t do much, couldn’t do anything. “Salman remember the times when we broke up because my dad found out about us?” she asked still within his hold. “Huh? Yeah I do! How could I forget the torments and torturous times I had without you!?” he mocked, trying to fight his pains, knowing how much Sahar tried to knock out his anguish and make him a happy man. “I had always prayed to God to make you love me even more, even without me having any connection with you, and I had this thing which buzzing inside me, telling me that God could do miracles for those who believed in them… and I believed it… I believed I could have you back, if I had true intentions for it… and here I am!” she seemed proud of her self, her dedication and her love. She broke out of his enfold and looked at him, thinking it to be the last time she ever would.

“o.k. then see you in the next world, if hopefully we both make it and I still intend to…” she sounded happy, satisfied and glorified. “Sahar! Could I come too, I wanna never let you go; I wanna have a hold onto you, not any more, not now, not ever… I want you and I wanna come too…” Salman habitually wasn’t ever inclined towards her as he now portrayed to be so. He had always known that she would wait and taken advantage of the thought. But now when he knew she wouldn’t wait and he would have to do the waiting it was threatening, demeaning. Being a man he had to have his mate wait rather he wait for her.

She didn’t say a word more; she preferred silence to solve issues which words could never compensate for. With teary eyes once again, she took his hand and kissed it, holding tightly onto it… “Could I have this last dance and stroll with you…” he fumbled out with a dry throat once more. She just smiled and nodded. Without tunes, without ballads, they danced through most of the time as if stranded on a lonely island, just he and her, no soul to bother nobody to poke, and silently strolled the night Good bye!