By Gones....................

The rain pours outside my windows.
I sit with my album of ‘bygones’ by the windowsill and lookout aimlessly.
My memories are getting soaked.
The lightening flashes and a thought lights up in my head.

If I knew it any better than what I had known, maybe that day would have never come in.

A whole year and four months gone and the aches still ripe, the yearn still high and the hopes…… on death bed.

He was a man whom I had never met, never seen, never heard of at school. One fine day some people drop in at home and I am made aware the reasons for their making way in my cozy home. I feel irritated and a little agitated. Not knowing who these aliens are, and why they are staring at me, I sit in the corner of my lounge. All giggles and talk shalk happening around me. My thoughts are in bewilderment. I don’t really know what to think and what conversation to make. The sister of the guy decides, I am too dumb and breaks the ice, ’so you do designing?’ and I nod with a smile, my words seemed to have dried up. I meet her eyes for a couple of seconds and decide to look away. It seems impolite.

The guy’s mother puts in a couple of her observations. I had decided to wear an out-dated dress that day. It seemed as if I had stepped in from a time capsule. Backward to forward. She kept giving me looks, I could not decipher. I let it be. All eyes were on me, I could not poke the twitch in my eye.
‘Our son is very traditional, he does not like mingling with the ladies’, the father of the guy abruptly screams. I look at him with my brows narrowing in.
‘Unbelievable’ I murmur under my breath.

‘So it is a done deed then, we like your daughter and the engagement will be held next week’, the mother egoistically added. I could not believe what I had heard and caught glances with my mother and father who in approval nodded and they all started to pat me on my head and hug me. I cannot to date imagine what happened. I still am in a shock. As I write this, I feel it all happening once again, but this time I have a voice and I can say

‘I Object!’

A week later, the guy comes in for the engagement. Before that I have never seen him, we haven’t yet exchanged glances, not even words, I dress up just to please him and I find no vibes coming from any direction. Before the event I had announced to my parents that if I don’t find it worthy, I might not wear the ring, I was stubborn because I had to know what I was being knotted with for life. I am a relationship person and I would surely want to know something about him who seeks my hand in marriage.

His mother comes and makes herself comfortable beside me. Now I know that he will not even place the ring in my finger, he is so shy that his mother will have to do it. I glare at him unconsciously, trying to read the mask off his face. He does not look my way. He keeps his glances with himself or the little nephews he bought along to keep him company.

My father places the ring on his finger and he smiles reluctantly. I couldn’t yet imagine I was letting it all happening. I could see the virtuosity of the in-laws and yet I could not stand up to scream my rights. Could not even say a NO.

After the little ceremony I stepped out to breathe. His sisters bought him to sit beside me. I thought why now. Why not then when he had to show some willingness to have me in his life? But I just let it go. I had let much go before that.

They snapped a wholesome of pictures and complimented on us making the perfect couple. I felt a little bit of hope in all the darkness of my mind and heart and took it up to make it happen. Make me and happen in matrimony.

The date for the wedding was decided three months from the day of engagement. Fifteen days before the wedding, he gives me vibes of unwillingness. He still isn’t talking to me, he doesn’t reply to the texts I send him and I am getting more and more agitated. I tell my parents I don’t want to go ahead with it. They tell me it is all in my head. ‘He is a different kind’, my mother tells me. ‘How different mom? He doesn’t want to know about me? As much as I do?‘ mom just smiles and adds, ‘humarey waqt mein aisa he hota tha’ [thing is how it happened during our time]… how long can you keep up with an argument which is time based. There is either the religion to help or the time capsule.

The first call he ever makes is on the day I message him ‘Happy Birthday’, just 5 days before the wedding. My heart skips a beat when I see his name on my cell phone, blinking after normal hours [1 a.m.].
‘I called to thank you for remembering my birthday’, he breaks in.
My words get lost again. My heart is beating too fast for me to make sense and I just say ‘you are welcome’… after 15 seconds, our calls ends with a goodbye on both ends.

On the day of matrimony, I have my cool and I know that I am destined to be this man’s wife and I will make it work. I make promises and vows within my own mind and heart and before stepping into the car and heading towards the hall of bliss I look up towards the sky and silently pray for ‘victory’…

All eyes are following me, as I tread along the aisle towards him, who vows to be a companion all his life. His brother in law forces him to lend me his hand to help me step on the stage. I take it without much thought and we smile at each other for the first time. After three months of being betrothed, this was the first time I felt I was in bliss and matrimony sure wasn’t as bad as I was thinking it to be.

In two hours it is time to leave. Leave all that I was ever a part of behind me and step into a life completely new and filled with expectations and apprehensions. Expectations on his end, apprehensions on mine. We two were locked in a hotel room so that we could get on way of our lives from a scratch. I leave my home and he leaves his for a while. Somewhat the feelings at that hour were mutual. We both are delighted to have each other in our lives; we can’t stop looking at each other.

39 days later.

‘I will drop you at your parents’, he says.
‘But why? I want to go home.’ I objected.
‘You cannot get inside because all the rain water will be flooded outside the gates.’ He explains.

We had a dinner party on the day of the storm. It was raining from mid day and it just would not stop. The sky seemed to cry and not make merry. I tried to overlook and kill all the thoughts and feelings that loudly thudded inside me. He dropped me off at my parents, never to pick me again.

He tells me he was talked into marriage. He was never ready.
He tells me he loves me and hence he is letting me go.
He tells me I deserve so much better.
He tells me I betrayed him, I married him for money.
He tells me my way of life is distinct from his and we can never make a home together.
He tells me I cannot ever make place in his heart because I never tried.

Today as I sit down to go down memory lane, 18 months ago, I find myself trapped between the happiness which could be, and the life which I assumed pre-destined for ever. I want to free myself. I want to breathe again. I don’t wish to be a showpiece left for auction, rather I’d love for myself to be thought of as the missing puzzle piece to someone’s incompleteness and imperfection.

May our Lord guide us rightfully and help us recognize the best there is amongst His creations to bond with.