I Follow ......

Instincts.

I Trust myself. I for sure know more than I think I do.

“Instinct is the nose of the mind.” Madame De Girardin

The Light.

To be a star, I must shine my own light, follow my own path, and not worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest. The light I follow for it leads me to the stars.

“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.” Og Mandino

Faith.

First to keep the peace within myself, then to bring peace to others, I follow faith.

“Blessed are the ears that hear the pulse of the divine whisperer, and give no heed to the many whisperings of the world.” Thomas Kempis

The Conscience.

Character is defined as doing what’s right when nobody’s looking. I could think too that the only thing that’s right is to get by, and the only thing that’s wrong is to get caught, but I don’t think so.

“There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.” French Proverb

My Own Rules.

What my heart says, my mind will understand, what my minds says my heart will make corrections to and understand. There is no logic better than self rule, I live by it.

“Every time you don’t follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.” Shakti Gawain

Visions and Dreams.

I must have control of the authorship of my own destiny. So what if Almighty has written a fate. The pen that will write the course of action and a steady goal I will hold in my hand. I will envision a dream and follow it until it is real.

“Life is the sum of all your choices.” Albert Camus

The Natural Course.

No detours and no short cuts. The long road is the safest and it will get me to the desired end. I will keep on going until I rest in peace.

“We must dare to think “unthinkable” thoughts. We must learn to explore all the options and possibilities that confront us in a complex and rapidly changing world. We must learn to welcome and not fear the voice of dissent.” J. William Fulbright

Reasoning.

What I perceive is also what I think, all reasons I hold are also intuition, all I observe is also invention. I will follow my reasoning wherever.

“Bad reasoning as well as good reasoning is possible; and this fact is the foundation of the practical side of logic.” Charles Sanders Peirce

Conviction.

Conviction is the conscience of the mind. My conviction is not hope that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.

“A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.” Mohandas Gandhi

Emotion.

I cry a lot. My emotions are very close to the surface. I don`t want to hold anything in so it festers and turns into pus – a rotten end is not my way to take things.

“The emotions aren`t always immediately subject to reason, but they are always immediately subject to action.” William James

Tradition.

I don’t hide behind it, I follow it for the sake of my balance. Back to the roots we all turn somewhere when we have moved too forward. It is the birth place, the beginning. I like to follow my beginning.

“Cultures grow on the vine of tradition.” Jonah Goldberg

True Love

Breath Taking Love Moments

1- The moment where your house becomes your home. Your best friend becomes your love.

2- Where pain is absolutely beautiful and pleasurable. There is no way you will complain even if it makes you cry.

3- Two people love each other so much that they can’t breathe, and they can’t see, anyone else but them.

4- You close your eyes, and a realization strikes you about yourself that you never had ever before.

5- You fall in love with something or someone you had no intention to fall for.

6- You achieve the impossible and you think that the impossible was just an illusion.

7- Someone loves you so much that even when they don’t say it, there is so much being said in their silence.

8- You walk in with a smile and leave when you have everyone else smiling.

9- The last lines of a novel which leave you smiling behind tears.

10- You have a wonderful dream and even when you wake up, you find it real and happening.

11- There is fragrance all around but you really don’t know who is carrying your favorite scent.

12- When a song and the words all strike you down like a thunderbolt and you can go on listening to the same track a hundred times.

13- The experience of being human is more than you can take, and you feel like you couldn’t ask for anything else.

By Gones....................

The rain pours outside my windows.
I sit with my album of ‘bygones’ by the windowsill and lookout aimlessly.
My memories are getting soaked.
The lightening flashes and a thought lights up in my head.

If I knew it any better than what I had known, maybe that day would have never come in.

A whole year and four months gone and the aches still ripe, the yearn still high and the hopes…… on death bed.

He was a man whom I had never met, never seen, never heard of at school. One fine day some people drop in at home and I am made aware the reasons for their making way in my cozy home. I feel irritated and a little agitated. Not knowing who these aliens are, and why they are staring at me, I sit in the corner of my lounge. All giggles and talk shalk happening around me. My thoughts are in bewilderment. I don’t really know what to think and what conversation to make. The sister of the guy decides, I am too dumb and breaks the ice, ’so you do designing?’ and I nod with a smile, my words seemed to have dried up. I meet her eyes for a couple of seconds and decide to look away. It seems impolite.

The guy’s mother puts in a couple of her observations. I had decided to wear an out-dated dress that day. It seemed as if I had stepped in from a time capsule. Backward to forward. She kept giving me looks, I could not decipher. I let it be. All eyes were on me, I could not poke the twitch in my eye.
‘Our son is very traditional, he does not like mingling with the ladies’, the father of the guy abruptly screams. I look at him with my brows narrowing in.
‘Unbelievable’ I murmur under my breath.

‘So it is a done deed then, we like your daughter and the engagement will be held next week’, the mother egoistically added. I could not believe what I had heard and caught glances with my mother and father who in approval nodded and they all started to pat me on my head and hug me. I cannot to date imagine what happened. I still am in a shock. As I write this, I feel it all happening once again, but this time I have a voice and I can say

‘I Object!’

A week later, the guy comes in for the engagement. Before that I have never seen him, we haven’t yet exchanged glances, not even words, I dress up just to please him and I find no vibes coming from any direction. Before the event I had announced to my parents that if I don’t find it worthy, I might not wear the ring, I was stubborn because I had to know what I was being knotted with for life. I am a relationship person and I would surely want to know something about him who seeks my hand in marriage.

His mother comes and makes herself comfortable beside me. Now I know that he will not even place the ring in my finger, he is so shy that his mother will have to do it. I glare at him unconsciously, trying to read the mask off his face. He does not look my way. He keeps his glances with himself or the little nephews he bought along to keep him company.

My father places the ring on his finger and he smiles reluctantly. I couldn’t yet imagine I was letting it all happening. I could see the virtuosity of the in-laws and yet I could not stand up to scream my rights. Could not even say a NO.

After the little ceremony I stepped out to breathe. His sisters bought him to sit beside me. I thought why now. Why not then when he had to show some willingness to have me in his life? But I just let it go. I had let much go before that.

They snapped a wholesome of pictures and complimented on us making the perfect couple. I felt a little bit of hope in all the darkness of my mind and heart and took it up to make it happen. Make me and happen in matrimony.

The date for the wedding was decided three months from the day of engagement. Fifteen days before the wedding, he gives me vibes of unwillingness. He still isn’t talking to me, he doesn’t reply to the texts I send him and I am getting more and more agitated. I tell my parents I don’t want to go ahead with it. They tell me it is all in my head. ‘He is a different kind’, my mother tells me. ‘How different mom? He doesn’t want to know about me? As much as I do?‘ mom just smiles and adds, ‘humarey waqt mein aisa he hota tha’ [thing is how it happened during our time]… how long can you keep up with an argument which is time based. There is either the religion to help or the time capsule.

The first call he ever makes is on the day I message him ‘Happy Birthday’, just 5 days before the wedding. My heart skips a beat when I see his name on my cell phone, blinking after normal hours [1 a.m.].
‘I called to thank you for remembering my birthday’, he breaks in.
My words get lost again. My heart is beating too fast for me to make sense and I just say ‘you are welcome’… after 15 seconds, our calls ends with a goodbye on both ends.

On the day of matrimony, I have my cool and I know that I am destined to be this man’s wife and I will make it work. I make promises and vows within my own mind and heart and before stepping into the car and heading towards the hall of bliss I look up towards the sky and silently pray for ‘victory’…

All eyes are following me, as I tread along the aisle towards him, who vows to be a companion all his life. His brother in law forces him to lend me his hand to help me step on the stage. I take it without much thought and we smile at each other for the first time. After three months of being betrothed, this was the first time I felt I was in bliss and matrimony sure wasn’t as bad as I was thinking it to be.

In two hours it is time to leave. Leave all that I was ever a part of behind me and step into a life completely new and filled with expectations and apprehensions. Expectations on his end, apprehensions on mine. We two were locked in a hotel room so that we could get on way of our lives from a scratch. I leave my home and he leaves his for a while. Somewhat the feelings at that hour were mutual. We both are delighted to have each other in our lives; we can’t stop looking at each other.

39 days later.

‘I will drop you at your parents’, he says.
‘But why? I want to go home.’ I objected.
‘You cannot get inside because all the rain water will be flooded outside the gates.’ He explains.

We had a dinner party on the day of the storm. It was raining from mid day and it just would not stop. The sky seemed to cry and not make merry. I tried to overlook and kill all the thoughts and feelings that loudly thudded inside me. He dropped me off at my parents, never to pick me again.

He tells me he was talked into marriage. He was never ready.
He tells me he loves me and hence he is letting me go.
He tells me I deserve so much better.
He tells me I betrayed him, I married him for money.
He tells me my way of life is distinct from his and we can never make a home together.
He tells me I cannot ever make place in his heart because I never tried.

Today as I sit down to go down memory lane, 18 months ago, I find myself trapped between the happiness which could be, and the life which I assumed pre-destined for ever. I want to free myself. I want to breathe again. I don’t wish to be a showpiece left for auction, rather I’d love for myself to be thought of as the missing puzzle piece to someone’s incompleteness and imperfection.

May our Lord guide us rightfully and help us recognize the best there is amongst His creations to bond with.

The Peace In The Disturbance

I Still Dream...............

Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard…

The HAPPIEST people in the world
are not those who have no problems,
but those who learn to LIVE with things
that are LESS than PERFECT ♥

Sometimes, all you need is patience

A lot of times after you go through a very traumatic situation and it’s emotionally difficult to deal with, you will come back spiritually stronger. It changes you in a way..

Some Important Love Letters

Dear July 16, 2009,

Can you pace up please? I mean I did not have to tell any day to come as fast as you can and you just don’t find it in your digits to tick tock and move your lazy ass. Is that cruelty or not? I never write letters to days and hence appreciate that I value you above the rest. Come on now. Hurry! Am I too demanding? **cat eyes, love you na!

Sincerely,
A psycho girl

Dear July 17, 2009,

Pssssttt don’t tell July 16 that I am writing to you. You are much more precious for me. It is a bit awkward for me to be writing to a day which somewhere in time was a lucky day for me but I never mentioned it until now, so I want to be lucky again July 17, please can you come a little fast? Please? ** my smookums! coochie poo!

Sincerely,
I love you

Dear Someone who makes me appear foolish,

You have not crossed my mind since the last time we spoke, you have been running around like a crazy rat in my reality. I mean, I don’t intend to be all expect-ful about anything just yet since a lot is at stake, but may I add that I am really anticipating something good? I am just hoping as eligible as I have seemed until now, I seem so after the encounter. **sigh

Lovingly,

When it Rains In Love......

… there is pleasure in pain, moments of gain.

… the scars are wounded, memories are hounded.

… I wish to kiss you, hold you, caress you.

… I look outside my window and see us dancing to love and the hue.

… it’s a sign to run away, run away with memories, to find comfort in pain.

… the wind halts, the cradle doesn’t rock, what is then the thud in my heart?

… I am struck by lightening.

… the clouds of yesterday disappear and I feel pure and all set for a new day.

… all obstacles in my way are washed away.

… I love the rain. I want the feeling of it on my face.

… the smell of the grass, the sand and the sight all radiate with love and life.

… you should know he has kissed me, it soaks all terrains.

… I play wet and wild and prance about love grenades.

Types Of Love

I did one at Life or Something Like it and could not keep myself from a 2nd list.
Please forgive me.

Mother and Daughter

Newly Wed Couple

Pregnant Couple Love

New Love

Sibling Love

Sealing Love

Holding on in Love

Capturing Love

New Born Love

Family Love

Child Love

Grandparent Love

Old Age Love

Hail Love! Hail!
‘Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.’

I Worry For Her......

I do not always know who she is. Everyday she surprises me.

There are days when she wakes up but wanting to go back to sleep because dreams are so real and there she finds her peace. Some days she just wants to sleep forever. Some days, she fails to recognize the person in the mirror before her. She feels unfamiliar to herself. She worries me a lot. Her manners of being worry me a lot.

Some days she is fragile and dejected, aggravated and agitated, crammed with fury and qualm about what she should do next, what is next? Her clueless ness worries me everyday, she wants something but she can’t put a finger to it. She is scared to want again. To love again.

Some days she is content with herself and it shows. She is assured and assertive and she gives the ambiance which attracts a whole lot of honey bees. Some days she wears triumph and pleasure and all who approach her envy her fragrance. All in all, some days are certain and she knows that if she walks the line of her dreams, God will lead it into her reality. Those days she worries me more, because her assurances don’t have a wall and it might anytime fall.

Some days she is more beautiful than the most beautiful that lay spread across the centre-spreads of magazines, and her deep brown eyes reveal all of the vividness and virtuosity of the world. Other days, she feels broken, out of place and refuses to leave the comfort of the walls of her bedroom. Apart from the many times she finds herself being carried away by her physical appeal, she always stays true to what is on the inside. On the inside, she is glows the sun golden. She is deeper than the deep blue sea and that is when she worries me, she will drown in her own ambiguity.

There are days when she laughs so hard that she fills her eyes with tears. The room she occupies shines with the sound of pleasure and delight. Some days, she will let everyone laugh at her at her expense, and she will laugh will laugh with them. The light on people’s faces and lives brings her great happiness and she could never ask for anything more. She is a people’s person, that worries me, she cannot handle people, she is too naïve.

Some days she loves like there is no love tomorrow. Other days, she lusts. The lust is much resilient than love, and much less tolerant. Her lust leads her into the dense and angry grasp of regret and that is when she worries me she will land in the thorns and miss the roses.

Some days she hurts, some days she heals. Some days she smiles, some days she weeps. Some days she is in the sewer, some days she discos in the sun. Some days she picks an imaginary lover, some days she prefers to rewind her essence. Some days she holds on to herself and cry out loud, some days she lets her tears storm within her and she puts on a brave face to tease people off. Some days she survives, some days she dies, she worries me so much, I am afraid she does not know where she is headed.

I know who she is but I still do not know who she is.

I worry for her she has forgotten to worry for herself.

Everyday she gives me a new worry, everyday I wish I knew what has gotten into her.

Distracted In Love

My muscles stiffened when I realized the topic he changed to. I knew I wasn’t ready for it, how could he bring this up? What exactly was he planning on doing? Did he want me for me or for what he could get out of me?

“Sameer, we’ve talked about this before…” My eyes were stiff, looking at every inch of his face for a response.

“Yeah, on the phone a very long time ago. I’m not saying that I’m calling you to this. But you’re not ready, and honestly, I’m not either. The last thing I would ever think of doing is push you…”

“Yes, but, why bring it up?” Now my mouth hung open. I felt stupid.

“Well, because…you seemed…so into the moment.” He chuckled

“You should have seen the look on your face when I carried you to the bed. And your unstable breathing, I wasn’t…”

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong.” For the first time tonight, I wasn’t looking at him. I wasn’t sure what I was looking at, but my breathing? What was wrong with it? Was I breathing uneven again? Did my breath smell? I would have thought if it was that, he would have stopped all this before we even got to the bed. He wouldn’t flat out tell me to embarrass me.

“Listen, all I want from you is happiness, always. We might have arguments and I pray that never goes far, but I love it when you smile and I don’t ever want to see a moment when you’re not smiling.”

He closed my mouth with his hand and brought my lips closer to his. The electric shock I felt between our lips engulfed me. I didn’t want to release myself away, not like I could, but there was something I needed to say. I felt obligated to finish this short, yet elaborate discussion.

“Thank you,” I said as I buried my face under his chin and whiffed in deeply his heavenly unique smell. “But I knew you wouldn’t rush me into anything. I trust you.”

He gave out a musically warm and enchanting hum under the mysterious smile that I loved so much and hugged me tighter. He kissed the top of my head and ran his fingers through my hair. We lay there, embracing the moment. I listened to the whistling wind gently caress the night outside. I closed my eyes to inhale the silence of the moment, to inhale his scent of manliness. I found it difficult to concentrate on anything but the symphony of Sameer’s breathing which felt like drizzle through my hair.

Distracted from everything, I could only hear the rhythmic breathing of the man who lay beside me. It was the only thing that I wanted to hear, the sound that made my heart beat faster.

Get Set Slow

He delicately kissed my forehead and began to brush his lips down my jawbone to the base of my throat.

My mouth moaned for better flow of my uneven breathing. I ran my fingers through his hair and cupped his cheek in my hands, pulling his face back up above mine. I kissed the side of his neck, slowly moving my way down the bed to reach the peak of his shoulder.

Before I had the chance to experience what I could be capable of, he wrapped his free arm around my waist and brought me on top of him.

I felt the warmth of his skin brushing constantly against mine. I wasn’t cold at all, it must have been about minus 3 degrees outside, but the heat that radiated from his body kept me warm. I felt the shrills and thrills with the chills of the moment. The silver moonlight came in peeking behind the drawn curtains. With his hands folded firmly around my lower back, he hugged me tighter, embracing the moment, staring deep into my eyes. I couldn’t help but give a half smile and peck him on the lips.

He kissed back, vehemently, every now and then, tracing the top shape of my lips with the tip of his tongue, and then pulled me back.

“Are you okay?” he vaguely said under his concerned tone.
“Of, course I’m okay. Are you?” I promptly replied

“Just worried, don’t know if you’re ready for this. I don’t want to rush you into anything you don’t want.”

I looked at him silently and smiled sheepishly.

Just Feel !!!!!

I am touched, and I am speechless!
but I will have to elaborate for the reader’s better understanding.

Maybe this is the LANGUAGE I relate to. Words Don’t matter much to me.
The language of silence is more powerful than the sound of words.

When I express in silence, it is with the power of my thoughts. There is a voice no one can hear within me, that pokes me to act and not say.

Such is the language which spreads positive vibrations and reaches out to others, in echoes that even the words can’t replace. Also when such positive actions are added to the positive thoughts, the desired effect of that is seen. The language of actions in silence speaks profoundly.

When we are able to express ourselves through the language of silence, we are able to be free from expectations of others to listen to what we are saying. While silently communicating we have an edge to get through our good wishes and also inspire others with an impact, because the preferred language is our positive actions. Action as a language helps us retain longer, even when people have stepped out of our lives and no longer dwell amongst us.

I am Scared.............

I scare myself almost every day of life.

The way I am, it is so hard for me to adjust within the surrounding I was born in.

Maybe the age is getting the best of me, but that is no reason to shove it off. I have every reason to fight it and yet I fall.

I have to face me every day and that makes me weaker. I don’t have the strength to put up with me anymore. The longer I am determined to give it a go, the harder the thud comes with which I land on the ground.

I fluster most of the times because of the state I am now mostly comfortable in. It seems like I get agitation and chaos are a part of me. It scares me to fit the eyes of those who see me well, I am not well enough, I am not enough at all.

My essence scares me, my ambitions too. I am scared to come out of the past, they might all see me and then abuse me, the cloak is warm and cozy, makes me sneeze sometimes but I live.

There is always a scared thought that I might fail myself. I might not be able to look good in my own eyes. It is a disease, I feel sometimes. A disease to please.

But this disease I have to work a cure for myself. I know every phobia has an end, and I am willing to work on it. But I am too scared to change, even for the better. I was better once and that didn’t go well for me.

I wish I could just help myself beat me to it. The competition scares me. The waking up and sleeping again scares me.

The days when my reflection in the mirror does not look the way I for real want it to, my own day is defeated.

My life sucks out of me when I know I will not be able to accomplish something, I am being looked to for accomplishment.

I am scared that one day I WILL DIE, just TRYING TO MAKE ME HAPPY!

I MAY NOT ACHIEVE IT and hence JUST HAVE A USELESS DEATH

Beyond Reasons

I don’t have to look for reasons to celebrate at any day of my life. It so happens that my conscience has been sitting on a hot stove of reality for a very long while and all this while, every second I know what exactly it is that I should be celebrating.

“Blowing my horns?” That is what my audience thinks.

“If I don’t blow them, will you?” I smile and they all fall flat.

I have the reason to celebrate my smile. It is not the one you catch on screen when Anne Hathaway steals your heart beat with that contagious flip flop smile of hers. She sure is a beauty but no competition for me, because I don’t do competition with anyone but me. So full of me? Another reason to celebrate.

How do I celebrate?

Let me count the ways!

I celebrate the life of a woman who has dawned in me.
Confused and lost but anticipating to be found most eagerly.

I celebrate the smile that shines upon my face.

No way can it not charm, I have poured many rains.

I celebrate the essence of a soul so pure.
You twitch an eye and I can foretell a cause.

I celebrate the solitude which is a forever companion.

Times when I sit alone, I provide self with remedy and compassion.

I celebrate the nostalgia that keeps my present in line.
Memories are cleansers for my present, divine.

I celebrate being the incurable and hopeless romantic.

Love is no favor it is a replacement for blood and diet.

I celebrate the life which breathes deep into my core.
You see outrageous folly? I can eye the wisdom for sure.

I celebrate for it is today, now, at present, an instant to live.

This moment will dissolve but the impact afloat will swing.

I celebrate for there is no other reason I have not to.
Time is too selfish and sparse but wait let me count the ways!

The Potrait Of Love

No matter what she did and what ever she tried the tunes kept coming back to her. She had never been so overwhelmed by anything in her life and now this, a whole new bunch of feelings and expectations suddenly out of nowhere had surrounded her and some how seemed to have vowed to make her complete, a complete soul.

She pranced around the room, in a robe, deciding what to wear for the evening, when it was just in thirty odd minutes that he was about to make an entrance and have the scene wrap up. “Uhmmm! Which one to wear! What to wear… this is insane! I guess I told mom that if she ever wanted things to happen for me, she should be more interested in buying me clothes and having my wardrobe filled rather have just a piece or two of everything lying around.” She was mad at herself and at everybody. As a child she had bought up to be the grownup, never could she recall a time, when actually she was cuddled, and cared and told to ease things out. Time and again people left her life miserable and all that she ever did was cry and still not let go. Memories seemed to get engraved rather than erased, but now she felt things had acquired a good turn, the precise spin perhaps.

Still soaring away in her thoughts, when suddenly the doorbell rang, and echoes like a miserable thunder around her apartment. For a whole minute she stood rooted to the spot, till another one pealed her into action. “Wow! It cannot be him! Not yet…” She managed mumbling and fumbling with stuff, trying to decide exactly what to do and how to do it fast. But nothing seemed to work out, and all that whosoever was at the door kept on doing was ringing again and again… “O.K. it’s fine, I ‘m in a robe, no problem… he has to see me like this one day, than why not today?”

With shaking fingers she unlocked the door and edged it open just the barest fraction, and slid behind it, taking just a peek to stare up at the tall figure standing outside. In a slow move her eyes ran all over him, with reluctant admiration at depths. Extravagantly dressed in an black suit, with snowy linen, and his dark hair gelled perfectly for the party they had to summon.

“Oh wow you look pretty!” he teased, “yeah! I know…. Without anything I look beautiful….”, her voice trailed off and the color running fast from her skin. She opened the door a bit more and invited him in, “well you take a seat until I run off and get dressed o.k.?”

As soon as she turned to go back into the bedroom, he sprang up behind her and held her tight around the waist. She never could resist his touch, had always craved for more and more just when his fingers brushed her skin. “Saleo! Listen I really need to hurry ok it’s our engagement and we need not keep the guests waiting.”
“I know! But can’t they wait, cuz I cant!” he turned her around to face him and stared deep into her eyes. His eyes seemed to frantically rage hyped up emotions and deeds, and she hated the look that they somehow gave out. Tried hard not to stare in them, but was forced by him to do so. He tightened his grip around her and drew her in closer, “you know what you look better when you have nothing on!”, “what?” she pushed him back, feeling a bit nervous whenever pointed out to the bareness. “I mean whenever you are without makeup,” he added in drawing in on her once again. He always seemed to be the smart alec who knew just about everything and how to deal with the everything happening. She was in no mood for fun, she was tensed cuz it was their party and they were beginning to get late. She unfolded his grasp from her waist and ran into the room, shutting it as tightly as possible, and sat for sometime, regaining what she had drained back there.

Looking at the Sari she chose for the evening, net, black and totally sumptuous. She hadn’t worn it ever, had always planned to adorn it on the perfect day, and today it was just it. She tied the blouse knot behind her in a bow, brushed her hair straight and applied the slightest bit of shadows, without which she already looked perfect. Liner and a lipstick always added to the touch and that was it, simple and sweet, she stared at her reflection, stunned by her own image, and yet adoring herself…

She stepped out tiptoeing, noticing that he was on the couch reading a magazine, and yet sensed her coming and got up instantly… “Wow! You look………… amazing!!!!!!!! In the negative sense,” he blurted out. “Oh really! Then I guess the deal for the engagement is off, I already have people who actually love me in the negative sense…so there’s the door… you may leave.” In two long strides he managed to reach her, and stood so close that she had to take a step back to create a space for breathing. “Are you talking to me? You want me to leave? Well not yet! Not now!” she swirled her from her feet, and carried her outside. “put me down! Pleassssssseeee, the neighbors are not familiar with such things, please…” she pleaded although she loved every bit of it, but still embarrassed. “Well if they ask me I’ll tell them you are sick and cant walk”, “wow! What a reason? Sick on your engagement day! huh!?” “Oh! Please no one is watching! Ab stop being a baby and quiet, enjoy the moment.” She knew she was helpless, and no shouting or complaining could solve issues, so she just rested her head on his shoulders as he made his way to the car and put her down on the seat. “Thank you! I really appreciate the fact that I didn’t have to walk and get my feet bruised, cuz it was along walk!” she smiled trying to soothe out the bitterness that she had invited before.

The whole drive was pretty quiet, and all he ever did was make his moves, even in the car while driving, and all that she could do was submit to his hyped up sensitivities, like she always did, loving the moments she would care for him… and expect absolutely nothing in return.

The Ring

Five long years had passed by unnoticed, she was a mother now, a wife, so many relationships had bonded between her and some new people, yet she was still devoted to what she had been for a very long time.

Sitting in her room, trying to pat her child to sleep, she recalled the days, days that she called her life unconsciously. The sparkling ring of promise, given to her by the only person she fell in love with truly, glazed as if still adhering to the promises and vows made. Although she told everyone that she had bought it for herself, yet she always knew that without it she could not live for a minute. Like all her things and valuables scattered with different relatives, she prayed to God to never separate her life from her, the ring from her, for not even a second. As she patted her child, whom she had named after him, she sobbed more and more, with the heart broken thoughts which had always overtook her moods, whenever she was in totally isolation.

Even though her son had gone into a deep sleep, yet she kept on patting him, still staring at her left hand, which bought back all memoirs, she had stuffed in a corner of her mind. Rafay, although a self-centered person, had somehow crept into her life. She still remembered the days, when she was new in college, and he was the first one who made the attempt of making her comfortable. How their friendship developed, how it changed to love, how it changed to the vows they took and how everything just split in seconds, she recalled all, every bit of it.

She had told her hubby, all about she had gone through. He was the only person in whom she had confided out of love that he had for her, and spoken the real truth. The ring that she wore, he knew about the facts, yet she had accepted him as a life partner, as he had promised to give her, her real space. She avoided being captured by thoughts that made her cry, she avoided the tears which would hurt Amir, she avoided the sadness which would make him sad, and as he loved her to death, she had promised in her heart not to recall anything which would hurt him in any way.

The tears were warned of pouring loose, the heart was warned of being too rude, every thing in her life she had changed for him, yet maybe because of the liberty he had give, the ring would always bring back something which she had tried to keep only in her conscience.

Her thoughts had run so wild, and she had remained as still and steady in her thoughts, that she ignored someone sitting beside her and noticing her sadness. A thought of Rafay jarred her, and she came back, she noticed Amir sitting on the couch and noticing her dripping wet in tears. Looking simply irresistible and humble, as always, she had never imagined having him for her.

With the romantic ventures he had in his eyes, he had always managed to sweep her off, no matter what the time or her moods would have been. She sat there stunned, and he just lay back watching, not a word did he utter until she got up and went to him. “I am sorry!” she murmured, “for being such a Dolt”. He held out his hand and she automatically slid her in it, he directed her towards the couch and made her sit. “My princess! What can I do for you?!”, “Nothing in the world is more important to me than your happiness”, he spoke calmly, “I love you and wish that you always be happy, the tears that fall from your eye, tear my heart and tell me that I am not at all a good hubby, is that so?!” he sounded concerned as always. “Not at all Amir, Not at all! I am such a Duffy that I always manage to tear you apart, I hate to do it, but I don’t know why I do so, why he creeps up on me again and again, I hardly know for sure. When I married you, I had made a vow, a vow of giving all my heart and all my soul to you and only you. You have loved me for me, which no other human would have. I have tried it and I have been successful at times, but when you are away my mind gets the chance of wandering off to places where even I, myself have forbidden it to crawl. I love you, my heart and soul are all for you, and I am very very sorry to stray off to places, which bring sadness in my life and in yours too.” He let out a sigh, and with a smile said, “You know my dear why I chose you from amongst the lot who were at my doorstep, it was because you were the real you, what you are, you left it open for me to read like a book, you knew love, deep love which others did not, you are the person who has intimate thoughts, the person so rare in the world today, I love you, no matter even if you don’t.”

She smiled back with admiration to the person she had in her life, and knew that this was her rightful gift from the Supreme Authority. Her patience and love, had both been rewarded, although the person whom she thought she would have was not hers, yet she was kind of happy, she had the love and admiration of a man, who knew her, who loved her, not because she was one of the crowd, but because she stood out from amongst the crowd.

The hand in which her hand was seated comfortably, she increased her grip and closed her eyes, in her heart she spoke aloud to God, telling him not to take Amir, but the Rafay she had loved and dreamed of, away from her being, and make her realize what she had and make her happy for the person who loved her more and more matter what she did.

Amir knew what she thought, and with his mischievous finesse as usual, he stared at her in a way which made her uncomfortable as soon as she opened her eyes to see him and only him in his life for the rest of which remained, “I love you Amir! With my heart and soul, I will try once more to give up on all that I don’t have and start to value the valuables already bestowed upon me.”

“You need not say that, cause I know you do! You are just the right person, you have done so much to comfort and inter mingle with my family, you please me, you care for me, but a tinge of jealousy and sadness overtakes me when you stray off,” she looked at him in surprise, “What?”… “I am so sorry! See I knew that, I saw it in your eyes, and it’s this stupid heart and mind of mine which … I just hate it, I am sorry, I really am!” “if you utter another sorry after this one for the rest of your life, you are free to go! Honey… No sorrys and no Thankyous, Love is not an indigent emotion without it… and as a punishment for you, for all the five or six sorrys you have uttered within this one hour, you are supposed to say “I Love You twice a day and 365 days a year, Agreed?!” she burst out laughing at the way he said it all, “O.K. O.K. I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! This was today’s quota.” “Now will you please give me something to eat, I am dying and with just an “I love you, I won’t be able to live!” he pointed out towards his hungry tummy.

“Oh! I’ll get something for you! You go freshen up!” she got up and tried to go, but her hand was pulled back by the hand it was in, “What?” “Well!” he pulled her back on the sofa, nearing her more and more! he whispered, “you don’t look too good in a pony tail, he let her hair loose by pulling the clip, and letting the hair fall on her face. She swished it back smiling! “Is that it or any more changes?” “even what you are wearing … uhm!” “No you don’t you better get fresh and halt,” she placed her hand over his mouth… “Otherwise you’ll have nothing more to live on besides my I LOVE YOUS. She let her hand loose, took her clip from him and tied her hair in a brushy bun and pulled out two long strands from the front and swished around, “Is this fine?” “You will drive me insane, stop looking so good, otherwise I’ll I’ll lose control.” “O.K honey I’ll try! I’ll try”… in a very sensual tone and then walked out of the room. For a moment Amir sat back and thanked God for making him the person he was and making his life worth living with the person He had made as a pair for him.

The yearn to Love

It was a bright sunny day at Belle Villa and everyone cheered as Sonia and Sam were set to be wed that day, except for Sam who had for ever long from the day she fell in love, always and always waited for the one whom she had loved more than her own self, Raphael. Although he had always been indifferent towards her and her feelings, Sonia still wished for the impossible to happen that day, she still wished that Raphael would appear like a prince on a horse back and set her free from what was happening. All the preparations for the day were made Henna, Bangles, the Bridal dress, everything. Sam had selected a Beige color dress for Sonia. The shirt had a bead strap, and was short in size; the skirt was a full-length skirt adorned with beads and romantic elements added for better sensuous embellishment all over. When Sonia really wore the dress, it seemed as if it was just made for her exclusively. For a moment or two she kept still staring at herself, and thinking, how cute and romantic it would have been if she could jinx Raphael with that look of hers. It was needless for her to put on any sort of jewelry, as the outfit was just perfectly all. With hair curled up in a fluffy style, with little blush and lipstick, she was ready, ready to give herself away to a man, she only liked but not love and thought could never love.

She rose up elegantly and loosely hung the draping like a pallet in the back of her hands. She looked totally chic. Oh how she wished, she could make herself visible for Raphael’s eyes only once and with that she would spend the rest of her life in happiness with another man. She closed her eyes for once, uttered a little prayer under her breath and slowly headed towards the door.

The guests had already arrived and were all desperately waiting to see the bride. The whole villa cheered with exuberance of the ceremony and comments on the wonderful décor.

As the clock struck 8:15, the bride made her appearance on the staircase. Everyone stood awestruck, not blinking or even moving, Sonia felt a little chill go through her spine, she had never looked so beautiful as she did that day. The Groom stood at the end of the staircase to greet his bride and lead her in the midst of all the happening.

Sonia still prayed and prayed for her last wish to come true, somehow or another, she did not even like the slightest idea of letting her hand move into somebody’s to whom she could only belong to physically and that is all.

When she finally reached the end of the stairs, she had no other choice but to give it up and surrender to somebody who loved her very much ignoring the fact that she didn’t love him. “You look simply amazing my love”, “Oh how I dream, this whole crowd could disappear and just you and I could get lost in each other.” Sonia just passed a small grin and moved on, her hand in Sam’s, who was also not one you could easily find. He looked so handsome in the black tuxedo he wore, his features all so manly and extremely irresistible, his eyes deep as the oceans, his hair black and soft as feather. His hands so warm and cuddly, for a minute Sonia just imagined she was with Raphael, and they would be wed soon, oh the thought made her ooze and she let out a sigh, Sam snapped her out of her dreams and led her to the fountains where the wedding arrangements were made. Finally the time had come that she may stop thinking of the impossible and pay attention to the possible.

At 9:00 the ceremony was at its peak, everyone dancing and eating, except for Sonia, who sat with Sam and admired the nighttime in the garden. Sam stared at her like he had never seen her before, noticing every inch of her being. Slowly he moved closer to his bride and moved his arms on her face, feeling the soft skin and cupping it towards him, “what is the matter, love?, you don’t seem to be happy, or are you worried?”, Sonia raised her eyes up and caught his in hers, the shine in her dark brown eyes made him go bizarre in the moonlight, he held her face close to his and murmured, “You have the most finest of eyes! It makes me go more and more crazy after you!”, “How can a man like me resist being without you at any point of day!” Sonia slowly closed her eyes, imagining the voice of Raphael in Sam’s, whatever he uttered, all sounded as Raphael’s’ for Sonia now.

For the last time, she promised herself, to give it up on her love (after her brief thoughts), who was now and could never be hers as she had been bonded with a person who loved her. She slowly murmured words and expressions of love and ecstasy and spoke out sensuously, with Sam’s hand in hers (thinking it to be Raphael), “Promise Me! You would Never! Ever leave me! Not in this life and not in any life!!”. As soon as Sam spoke in reply, Sonia opened her eyes idly, bringing an end to all the ecstasy she had, coming back to the real world, she smiled to herself (for her stupid imagination) and got up to go back into the house, while Sam stayed back to entertain the guests.

She went to Sam’s Bedroom, and sat near a different mirror, staring at a new her, she could now no more be Raphael’s, no more, all her hopes ceased to exist the moment Sam touched her, placed his ring on her finger, avowed her to be his bride, she was stuck up for life with a man, who loved her more than himself and had promised to be hers forever.

She got up and as soon as she did she found Sam standing right at the door observing the quietness which prevailed. He came in and closed the door behind him, Sonia had an itchy feeling, she became scared, “you aren’t going to hurt me are you Sam?” Sam noticed the worry, which shown over her facade once more, he approached her and she backed up, with a thud she landed on the bed. He took off his tuxedo coat and threw it aside, having the same mischievous look in his eye as he did in the garden, “why do u think of me as a fool to hurt something as pure as yourself, Sonia I love You, more than words can express, you are my life, my destiny, my everything, don’t you understand?” “I do Sam I do!” She murmured and started to calm herself down. “I am all yours, all yours and only yours, I love you too, I really love you Sam…. I do!” And slowly Sam came at her side and sat down to soothe her hyper feelings.

“I know how much you love me and how much you yearn for me! I promise I would never let you down, not ever”. Sam embraced her for comfort and during that long hug Sonia promised herself to give Sam all that he needed, ‘cause he truly, madly and deeply loved her and now in her life nothing more mattered than Sam’s happiness, his love, his needs and his desires. She gave it up, all of it, for him and only him. That night and every night and day from there onwards were for her to remember and Sam never fell short of providing his beloved with the best she wished for or craved for.

Lost Without Losing

She looked into his eyes, not knowing exactly what to say and how to phrase it. “Salman! I love you just too much,” she managed a mumble. “I never thought that loving someone would be so difficult, especially in terms of loving the right person,” she added in sourly. The waved splashed hard against the nearby rocks and made her shout out. She did not dare stare at him, because she knew how weak her limbs got when their eyes met, how they were so much in love with one another. “Sahar! What the Hell is wrong with you, you called me all this way to say I love you. Look at the time sweetheart, it is 12:00 a.m. need to get back to work in the morning and wow you call me here to say I love you and stuff! Well I love you too!.” Sahar was silent. She knew she hadn’t called him to say I love you, or make romantic moves and assurances, it was more than just happiness that she wanted to honor him with that day.

She could not hold it back any longer, she let it all out. Her tears began rolling fast, and she could barely hold onto herself even within her grip. She collapsed on the wet ground and sat there silent on her knees. “Salman! I love you, but I have to leave you,” somehow an abrupt sentence spurred out of her trembling lips. Salman was surprised and confused, “what the hell are you saying! Could you be more specific, especially considering the time!” he scorned, not ever happy the way Sahar played with words and never came to the point as fast as his patience never lasted…

“Salman I am about to depart! I am about to dieeeeeeeeeeeeee!” she screamed, have you got a heart and stop scorning me for Heaven’s sake, I say I love you and that means shit, I try to compose my words accordingly, so that it doesn’t strike your heart like a blow, but No! …” he starred at her, not knowing how to react and in a low voice added, “what are you saying?” Words went dry in his throat. She sobbed harder, cuddling herself within her own embrace. Moving back and forth and sobbing harder and harder. “I am sick Salman! I am gonna die, I am gonna leave you to your privacy and your life. That is what you wanted jaan… isn’t it?” her tears still tingling. “Why are you gonna die and why didn’t you ever mention that you are sick?” he meant business, his voice suddenly regained his usual tone, he was possessive and now he would prove that. “Can’t tell you!” she managed. “Haven’t told a soul!” “Isn’t there a difference between any soul and me? Wow now you tell me.” Getting madder and madder by the moment.

“I said I loved you, and that doesn’t matter! You are sick you never confided it in me! Now you are dying, why the Hell did you honor me with that news? Shouldn’t you have kept it to yourself? Huh?” he pressurized his owing her, he always did. He always loved the feeling of owning her and that she owned him. They were in love, and were so to the extent of possessiveness. They had their spaces, but still… “Why in the world?” he added in abruptly standing up now, and looking down at her. But Sahar wasn’t looking at him, she was starring at the ground on which she was sitting now, and trying picture what it would be like beneath it, caressing it with her bare hands… “sheeesh! Isn’t it creepy?” She mocked, “just imagine you and your privacy, me and mine”, “are you insane Why the Hell are you doing this Sahar” he was now on his knees before her, trembling and all shaken. “What am I doing Sweety”, her voice had toned down, she knew that she was limited, she could just do nothing to stop what was about to happen. “Salman!” She placed her hand on his face, feeling the complete masculine outline.

Slowly raising his eyes, only to be greeted by her teary big dark ones, starring so intimately at him. He had adored the gaze, the way she just made him forget his woes. He admitted it to her time and again and all that she ever did was move away embarrassed. She had changed since they first met, she had changed for him, from the crazy, unpleasant and hideous outlook that Sahar once had, she had perfected everything with time and become the woman he idolized, he had dreamed of, and this made his love grow more and more. “Jaan! I wish … but all wishes do not come true remember! I need to go now, God is calling me, can’t keep Him waiting can I?” she still caressed his cheeks trying to ignore the tears that fell from his eyes. He kissed her hand every time they touched his lips and yearned for more, and all she did was smile at him and give him chances over chances of ecstasy. “Sahar! Please don’t go, I love you”, he fumbled with a sore throat. “I want you! I need you! You are like the most important priority in my life; I haven’t said that but now I admit it! I need you to be with me and you to take care of me.” “Salman I wish I could live to be your child’s mom, and I have always dreamed of that, but things are just not meant to be you see. It is not destined that I ever come into your life or your family’s. It is destined that I die in love and then be more loved.” She managed a fake smile. “Sahar we could… why don’t you come with me, I guess my bro would know the solution to your illness, whatever it is and that which you cant tell me about. You could tell him, and maybe he would know how to deal with him.” He sounded optimistic and wanted to convince her to be with him and be his for all times sake.

“Salman, I have already been through the optimistic stage, I am right now in the mood to just chill things out, spend more time with the ones I love and then depart quietly without much being done. I know your bro could be my savior but the fact remains that I don’t want to live any more. I don’t want the steam of uncertainty always surrounding me and making me cry endlessly. I just want to embrace death and wait for you in the next life where likely you wouldn’t have your qualms about me not being this and that…” she pulled her hand back and waited for him to hug her. She desperately needed his arms and his assurances. She rose up and tried walking away when he pulled at her hand. She turned to look at him, but he had his face downwards. He rose up and pulled her within his embrace and it so seemed that she melted her agonies and pains seemed to vanish when he embraced her.

It was a positive assurance and she loved every minute of it. She hugged him back but not as passionately and tightly as he did. “Sahar please don’t go! Please don’t leave me like this… please”, he begged her but he also knew that she couldn’t do much, couldn’t do anything. “Salman remember the times when we broke up because my dad found out about us?” she asked still within his hold. “Huh? Yeah I do! How could I forget the torments and torturous times I had without you!?” he mocked, trying to fight his pains, knowing how much Sahar tried to knock out his anguish and make him a happy man. “I had always prayed to God to make you love me even more, even without me having any connection with you, and I had this thing which buzzing inside me, telling me that God could do miracles for those who believed in them… and I believed it… I believed I could have you back, if I had true intentions for it… and here I am!” she seemed proud of her self, her dedication and her love. She broke out of his enfold and looked at him, thinking it to be the last time she ever would.

“o.k. then see you in the next world, if hopefully we both make it and I still intend to…” she sounded happy, satisfied and glorified. “Sahar! Could I come too, I wanna never let you go; I wanna have a hold onto you, not any more, not now, not ever… I want you and I wanna come too…” Salman habitually wasn’t ever inclined towards her as he now portrayed to be so. He had always known that she would wait and taken advantage of the thought. But now when he knew she wouldn’t wait and he would have to do the waiting it was threatening, demeaning. Being a man he had to have his mate wait rather he wait for her.

She didn’t say a word more; she preferred silence to solve issues which words could never compensate for. With teary eyes once again, she took his hand and kissed it, holding tightly onto it… “Could I have this last dance and stroll with you…” he fumbled out with a dry throat once more. She just smiled and nodded. Without tunes, without ballads, they danced through most of the time as if stranded on a lonely island, just he and her, no soul to bother nobody to poke, and silently strolled the night Good bye!

Not a Love Story

Listen to me, I will tell you the truth about life. Stay with me, really. I am a master of magic.

Do you believe a man truly love a woman and constantly betray her? Never physically, but betray her in his mind. Men do it all the time. Do not worry, I am not running away from your questions. I will make you feel the painful beauty of a child the animal horniness of an adolescent male, the yearning suicidal moodiness of a young female.

And then of course, there is true love. It exists or else you bring it to existence. Is it worth its costs? And how about sexual fidelity? Does it work? Is it love? Is it even human? that perverse passion to be with only one person? And if it does not work, do you still get a bonus for trying?

Love is a tiresome childish business but don’t run away yet. I haven’t answered your question, have I?

Forget about love. I’ll tell you all the stretches of power. First the life of an indignant writer and a struggling middle class guy. Sensitive. Talented. May even some genius. Then I will show him as a cunning criminal having a time of his life at the expense of a sensitive girl who loved him dearly. Its out in the open now… his essential nature. No more kidding about his honor. The SOB is a hustler. A conniver. And then how he becomes an honest man once again. It is an awful strain being a crook. Nobody believes his honesty. His infidelity becomes his identity. So now, we have the poor struggling genius world. All this laced with plenty of sex, some complicated ideas you wont be hit over the head with. And I know you’re thinking… that conniving bastard is making me turn the page. Nevertheless, what… what is the harm? You’re having a good time, anyway.

When I was young, some women told me they loved me for my eyelashes.

I accepted.

Later it was for my wit. Then looks. Then for the man I wanted to be and then man I almost was. For my talent… my mind. I can handle all of it. The only woman who scares me is the one who loves me for myself alone. I have plans for her. I have poisons and daggers and dark graves in caves to hide her. She can’t be allowed to live. Let me being and let me end. I have played around your questions but I have answered at least two of them. Rest need more pages to black out… more thoughts to be penned. More lives to be scrutinized…

To be continued until then!

*********** sadly it was never continued.

“Yes you planned it right. You sucked my life out of me. I was a friend, I was the love you had written about. You just decided to kill me. You decided to move on”

The Game of Passion and Pleasure

sport is defined as a ‘Physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively.’

Stage 1: ‘warm up’

Stage 2: ‘getting ready’

Stage 3: ‘the match’

Stage 4: ‘fun fun fun’

Stage 5: ‘the climax’

Stage 6: ‘after the game’

and so my dear friends, I enjoy this sport more than any other sport they play or show and make headlines with.